Have you ever been told by someone, “don’t be scared!”? Maybe you’re guilty of using this line yourself (I’m guilty of this myself!). This is such a common phrase to use, so is it really that big of a deal?
Yes, it’s a big deal…and I’m going to explain why.
Fear is a natural human emotion. We experience fear because we face dangerous situations in life. Fear is a messenger saying “pay attention, there is danger!”. Sometimes fears are rational, sometimes they seem irrational, sometimes they are learned reactions, and sometimes they are instinctual.
So fear is a really useful emotion, but we don’t like it. In fact, we fear having fear.
It makes sense. Fear can stop us from moving forward in life. It can stop us from trying something new, being exposed to great experiences, and living our dreams. The older we get, the more we see the missed opportunities for which fear is responsible. So when we see someone is nervous, anxious, or frightened, we say “don’t be scared” because we don’t want them to get stuck.
Although the statement is intended to be supportive or even validating, the statement is instead invalidating. The statement implies the fear is irrational, inappropriate, and sometimes, even annoying.
Here’s an example:
A child is learning to ride bike and says “I’m scared I’m going to fall”. Your natural reaction may be to say, “don’t be scared…”.
In this situation, you’re trying to reassure them that they will be fine. You want them to feel confident in themselves. But that’s not what you said.
“Don’t be scared” teaches the child their fear is not valid. There are some severe consequences which can come from this:
- The child learns it is displeasing to others to be scared, and so they begin to deny the emotion when it pops up by either ignoring it or pretending they aren’t afraid.
- The child experiences severe discomfort when experiencing fear (because they have learned its displeasing to be afraid) which causes the child to lash out in anger, feel low self-worth, and negatively impacts emotional intelligence.
- The child does not learn how to manage the emotions of fear (which is why we fear having fear). There is no chance for a good relationship with fear.
- They child receives the message that something is wrong with them for feeling scared because they shouldn’t be scared.
There’s a really easy way to go about making this change, no matter what age someone is. Instead of saying “don’t be scared”, instead validate the fear: “it’s okay to be scared,”, “I can understand why you feel scared”, “yes, it’s scary”, etc.
Next, have the person answer why they would want to face the fear, and if they can’t find reasons, then you can help them come up with possible benefits. Maybe they will just feel better, maybe they will gain a sense of pride, maybe they will learn a new skill or have a new experience.
And finally, be supportive in helping face the fear. Maybe they need a little pep talk. Maybe there’s a good story you have about how you faced the same fear. Maybe they need a reminder of how they have faced a similar fear in the past. Or, maybe they would benefit from a “I’m here for you”, “I’m cheering you on”, “I’ll help you”, etc.
The older we get, the more we feel like we “shouldn’t be scared” because of how the need to avoid fear is constantly re-enforced by others and ourselves. We can start to reverse this problem though. If we stop using, “don’t be scared”, and instead say, “let’s face this fear together” we are creating new pathways to allow fear into all our lives to be managed and overcome instead of being dismissed and ignored.
If you, or someone you love experiences problems with anger, high anxiety, or low self-confidence, the issues may very well come from a history of denying fear. Counseling services are a great way to bring more understanding to this, to help heal, and to create a better relationship with the feeling of fear.
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