Has anyone close to you ever hurt you? Maybe they let you down, maybe it was an accident, maybe they had no idea they were doing you harm even? Whether the act is purposeful, accidental, careless, or just ignorant, the results are often the same—trust is broken.
When trust is broken in a relationship, sometimes people are able to repair, forgive, and move on. But sometimes, the damage is irreparable. Sometimes distrust wholly replaces trust, and when this happens, not only does the relationship change, but you change.
Broken trust may devastate you, and if so, you won’t want to put yourself out there again. It’s too scary. You start living your life in fear of the possibility of being hurt. You might push people away who want to help. You may no longer let those close to you in. You may stop taking anything which could be deemed “risky”.
You also might become controlling so as not to be hurt. You might convince yourself “it’s better if I do it on my own.” In fact, you may begin to pride yourself on how well you handle things alone. And eventually, you mislabel your fear to let others in as being “independent”. You may not even be conscious of how you actively isolate to prevent getting hurt again.
The fear is not unwarranted though. Your survival instincts tell you to avoid danger, and trusting someone who is unworthy of trust is dangerous. You brain is saying to you, “what do you think will happen if you let your guard down? Stay vigilant, keep to yourself, and you will survive!”
However, being human means being able to override our brain’s primitive urges for survival. We can think critically about our desires and worries. We are able to manage emotions, as long as we stay aware of them. Fear may be a very difficult emotion to manage because it requires facing it, but all in all, challenging fear is rewarding because it builds resilience, confidence, and self-esteem.
In challenging your fears of trust, just know that you are going to experience disappointment again, and you are likely to be hurt again by someone who you care about deeply. But by staying aware and proactive you can discern whether or not this person deserves another chance, whether the person is capable of growth, and how to assert boundaries to decrease the chances of your trust being broken again.
A great way to begin to work on trust issues is to begin talking about it in counseling. This is a safe environment for you to tell the stories of how you have been betrayed, taken advantage of, and ultimately, hurt. You will move through the emotions of the stories so you can begin to work on the skills of asking for support and accepting support which are crucial for challenging fear. Don’t allow “trust issues” to stop you from experiencing connection and genuinely enjoying life!
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