Many people have an unhealthy relationship with guilt. Even though guilt does not feel good, it can be an entirely healthy emotion. Learning to have a healthy relationship with guilt can help with problems of self-doubt, low self-confidence, and low self-esteem.
Guilt is experienced as a negative emotion, meaning it’s not pleasant. However, all of your negative emotions are important. They act as messengers to tell you something isn’t right, something is imbalanced in your life. Just as physical pain alerts you to take care of something, emotional pain also alerts you to take care of something.
So what is the message guilt is trying to send?
Guilt is the feeling which operates as a messenger to tell you, you have done something which doesn’t align with your value system. Your value system is what guides you in your life journey, and guilt alerts you when you make wrong turns.
Perfectly aligning with your values is impossible. We can’t be 100% honest, kind, open-minded (or whatever your values are) in every situation in every moment of your life. Often your values cross each other (like how sometimes being honest isn’t being kind) and there is no “right” answer or decision. Sometimes you’re under lots of stress and pressure and you make a mistake. Other times, you just don’t have the energy to do what you’d most like to do because your so physically and/or mentally drained.
There’s a myriad of acceptable and good reasons why acting against values happens. To have a healthy relationship with guilt, you have to accept your imperfection and stop beating yourself up. This can be really difficult though, right?
If you’re struggling to have that healthy relationship with guilt, there are ways you can begin to work on this:
1. Practice Self-Compassion: Think about if a best friend did what you did. What would you say to them? How would you treat them? What would you want them to know to help them feel better? Apply this to yourself.
2. Practice Self-Forgiveness: If someone else had done what you did, how long would you feel angry or upset? How much time would it take you to forgive someone else and work to forgive yourself in the same amount of time.
4. Challenge Thoughts of “Uniqueness”: You think you are unique and do not deserve compassion and forgiveness because you should “know better”, “be better”, etc. Ummm, no. As much as you are a special little flower, you also are not a special little flower. When thoughts come up about why you are so different, tell yourself, “I’m human, and all humans make mistakes and deserve compassion and forgiveness.”
5. Make Amends: Think about what personal value(s) you crossed. Is there a way to make amends? Sometimes it’s an apology. Sometimes it’s doing something nice for someone. Other times it’s asserting your boundaries. Come up with something which is reasonable to the situation which you can take action on.
If you are struggling with an unhealthy relationship with guilt, participating in counseling is a great way to help you start feeling better.
Need help getting started with counseling, here’s a few tips for you:
https://www.suzannesanchezcounseling.com/6-problems-and-solutions-for-starting-counseling/
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