Language is amazing! The intricacies which go into defining the meaning of a word or phrase is amazing! When we really think about all which goes into understanding what someone means or implies when using specific words, miscommunication seems inevitable. This miscommunication especially occurs between people who struggle with eating disorders and their family, friends, and other supports.
Often, the meaning associated to words which feel positive or neutral can feel drastically different to someone who has an eating disorder. This can be a hard thing to understand for family and friends and even for the person who is suffering with the eating disorder. The result is confusion for all involved.
The first step to improving communication is to identify which words or terms trigger stress for the individual with the eating disorder. Here are four common words/terms to help get you started.
- Full
After a good meal, it’s not uncommon to feel “full”. This is a word which usually implies satisfaction. Even when we say we are “so full” and feel some discomfort, we are still aware there is a sense of satisfaction. We are implying we ate well!
For someone with an eating disorder, feeling full means, “I overate.” Fullness brings feelings of guilt or shame, anxiety, and maybe some self-hatred. Any satisfaction is drowned out by these feelings and replaced with remorse. There is fear and possibly anger. Fullness is not satisfying. Fullness is stress!
2.Being Healthy
When we classify someone as “being healthy”, we are usually referring to their actions around eating and/or exercise. We see someone eating a salad, passing on dessert, or having commitment to their running schedule, and we say to them “you’re so healthy”. This is meant as a compliment, as encouragement, or admiration for someone’s will-power.
For someone with an eating disorder, when they hear “you’re so healthy”, yes, they will take it in as a compliment, just not in the way you think. Rather than feeling encouraged, you are instead reinforcing their need for the approval of others. They feel better with the approval, while at the same time feeling overwhelming anxiety. They feel terrified of what happens if they eat a cookie, or if they miss a workout. So what they hear instead is, “your worth in this world is based on your eating and exercise, don’t mess it up. I’m watching you.”
3. Looking Healthy
If someone uses “healthy” to describe how we look, we see this as positive. This even sounds like a compliment, and it seems like a really great alternative to describe someone’s physical appearance without aligning to beauty standards of diet-culture.
When someone with an eating disorder must restore weight or is uncomfortable with their weight range, telling them “you look healthy” is interpreted as “you look fat”. There is nothing wrong with “looking fat”, but diet-culture tells us different. “You look healthy” was meant to be positive but instead invokes fear. Often, someone with an eating disorder is able to logically understand how being told they “look healthy” is meant to be encouraging, yet this still increases stress.
4. Perfect
Most people are okay with imperfections. Imperfections are often appreciated. Even when we strive for perfection, we strive to just do a good job. A perfect day means it was a really good day, a perfect date means we had a really good time, the perfect job means we love so many aspects of our employment. They are not literally perfect.
Perfection for someone with an eating disorder is consistent striving for literal perfection. The strive for perfection is a way of life. It is the ultimate goal, all of the time. Perfection means doing better than others, as this is the only way to feel safe. However, safety is never acquired because the only direction from the top is down. So a perfect day, a perfect date, a perfect job feels anxiety-provoking. There is stress and even terror in anticipation of life not being perfect.
Every individual is different, so the words and phrases which may trigger stress for one can be very different for another. However, when someone struggles with an eating disorder, these words and phrases do exist. Part of improving communication will be identifying these words and phrases so the individual can start to challenge this. Also, identification also gives support people the knowledge about what meaning to make when they are hearing those words (whether the words are spoken by the support person, the individual, or even a stranger). Communication and support are improved by this awareness process.
If you are wanting to learn more about eating disorders as a support person, or if you have an eating disorder and have supports who need more education about eating disorders sign-ups for ED 101 are open. Click here to find out when the next online workshop will be.
English